A STORY
I saw a post on Instagram.
Someone stated how she felt empty,
and she had never quite felt anything like that.
“It was like feeling nothing,” she said.
I read that, on my third week of feeling
“empty.”
that month.
It’s mind-blowing
to remember that there’s people
who are only acquainted with darkness.
To others,
that familiar hollow.
Many people dip their toes in,
some even get up to their knees,
slowly inching into the cold void
before realizing that
it’s better to egress,
and allow the light to warm you whole.
They have a choice.
Some don’t.
Before I learned to swim,
I fell deep into the abyss.
I was eleven when it swallowed me whole.
It crept its way into every fiber of my being
until it consumed me.
It bled into everything I touched.
Life turned monotone.
My vision, opaque.
The pinks, purples, and blues in my closet
turned to black, black, and more black.
The glitter on my eyelids faded away,
only to be replaced by raccoon inspired eyeliner.
Long sleeves and more bracelets than I could care to count
became the fashion statement.
The bathroom counter, my only supporter.
It held me up, while all I could do was push down
onto the razor in my hand until it punctured
the soft skin of my wrist,
revealing ruby red droplets that colored the ceramic sink.
I battled gravity, until I no longer cared to put up a fight.
Vinyl bathroom flooring came a close second to bedsheets.
The hard surface brought a weird tranquility —
something in my life was solid;
Much like the walls, that encompassed me
hugging me so tight it felt
as if my ribcage and clavicles cracked closed,
concaving my chest.
In that place, my unknowingly held breath.
The slump in my shoulders gave clue
to the invisible weights hung around my neck.
That ring in my ear.
Sucks to be
“special”, doesn’t it?
Fuck.
I never thought the tables would turn.
Who would’ve known.
I spent thousands of hours
begging to feel
worthy.
Praying for clarity.
What have I done to deserve this?
I must deserve this. Right?
Everything happens for a reason, right?
Wrong.
I could finally say “I love you” to myself,
and mean it.
But the minute someone tried to repeat it to me,
I was hit with amnesia
And ran into the arms of another
who couldn’t even love themselves.
I know my worth now.
It makes me demanding.
But I love to see the good in people
I can be so understanding.
Even when it’s me they’re mistreating.
So I choose to walk my own path
to avoid constant fleeting.
I couldn’t comprehend then,
Energy.
Everything happens for a reason, because
with every action there comes an equal and opposite reaction.
It’s Newton’s third law of motion.
Doesn’t mean you deserve or don’t deserve
anything that happens to you, it just is.
Energy.
I was dealt a shitty hand in terms of my mental health.
But reality, just is. Right?
I remember wanting the ability
to put the tip of my pointer finger so far into my eardrum
it would rip apart,
if it meant the sound of my mother’s chewing gum
could no longer ride its wave into my cochlea.
I remember wanting to rip the skin off my bones
when the invasion of another’s energy grazed my field.
I remember wishing the pillow could merge into my head
If it meant I too, would inanimate.
The volume of the voices would decrease
until the bustle in my head would simply cease.
I would no longer feel
penetrating light through my eyes
burning the darkness inside me.
Numb.
I learned to crawl blind in the dark.
I continued until I hit a wall,
and I had no choice
but to climb.
I miscalculated and crumbled to the floor.
Many times
I was knocked and beaten off my path.
But I dusted myself off and rose
higher.
I will not concede.
I rise from the dust of the ashes of those that came before me
paving the path, clearing the way for me to succeed.
Thank you to my ancestors,
for creating a powerful manifestor.
With more elevation,
So clear was my vision’s reflection.
I started feeling a little less insane.
The light ignited a spark inside me.
Electricity,
coursing through my veins.
I took a l o n g,
deep breath.
My power filled my vessel in all its depths.
Fear tried to pay a visit,
but I sent it on its way when
I realized this was simply a gift of initiation in my quest.
For me solely, and
that made me feel holy.
Darkness raised me as its own
so I couldn’t distinguish
the difference between it and I.
Yet, My fire remains unextinguished.
This moment right here, is the greatest treat.
I can’t be beat.
I passed it’s greatest test.
I’ve tasted the ripened sweetness
of the light’s bountiful harvest.
And yet, there’s times I find myself back
in the foggy mazes of the mind
peeking through doors I never thought would crack again.
Sometimes, I feel “empty.”
But when I can’t see
through the holes in the labyrinths,
the soft, warm glimmer of light peeks through
to remind me
There is a way through.
You can’t run.
You can’t hide.
But you can
face it,
head on
and you will see
darkness deceives you, blinds you.
But it can’t compare to the power you hold.
So darling, please
d a r e to be bold.
It’s so easy to get lost in the
Maze and prisons of the mind.
But at the end of the day,
it’s you who holds the key.
So who do you choose to be?
